Is it easier to numb out or feel?

I can have friends when i want them. Lots of them, but it all just feels fake to me, like laughing at jokes that aren't funny and talking about things i couldn't give two shits about. When someone leaves me, or something horrible happens and i cant see them, I "cut them off." I just pretend that i don't care, and i don't need them. I act as if i can live life without any human contact if i want. Sometimes I do, but than I feel like ****. When i connect to these feelings, i have this huge hole that i'm desperate to fill. This scares me because i'm known for being impulsive. Anyway, question is, do you thinkg it's easier to numb out or feel?